Kat GraceBy Kat Grace
One of the deepest pains after loving a covert narcissist isn’t losing the relationship.
It’s realizing how far you traveled away from yourself to keep it.
That moment can feel devastating—not just sad, but sobering. You look back and see all the small ways you silenced your intuition, softened your needs, and betrayed your own knowing in the name of love. And often, the grief doesn’t go outward.
It turns inward.
How did I let this happen?
Why didn’t I leave sooner?
How did I abandon myself so completely?
If those questions live inside you, hear this clearly:
There is nothing wrong with you.
You did not lose yourself because you were weak, foolish, or naïve. You lost yourself because somewhere along the way, love became something you learned to earn rather than receive.
Self-Abandonment Is Not a Failure — It’s an Adaptation
Self-abandonment doesn’t arrive as a conscious decision.
It unfolds quietly.
You ignore your intuition once.
You explain away behavior that doesn’t feel right.
You shrink yourself to preserve connection.
You give the benefit of the doubt until doubt turns inward.
Covert narcissists don’t force this dynamic—they recognize it.
They are drawn to people who are empathetic, reflective, and deeply self-aware. People who look inward before placing blame outward. People who believe love means patience, compassion, and understanding—even at the expense of self.
Slowly, subtly, your inner voice is replaced.
Not because you weren’t paying attention—
but because you were hoping.
The Pain Isn’t That You Loved — It’s That You Stopped Listening to Yourself
The hardest part of healing isn’t missing them.
It’s meeting the moment when you realize:
I knew something wasn’t right… and I stayed anyway.
This is where self-judgment often takes hold. But this is also where self-forgiveness must begin.
You stayed because leaving felt more threatening than remaining.
You stayed because your nervous system chose familiarity over uncertainty.
You stayed because you were still trying to earn emotional safety through understanding.
There is no healing in punishing that version of you.
There is healing in meeting her with compassion.
Forgiveness Begins With Understanding, Not Shame
You cannot shame yourself into wholeness.
Self-forgiveness begins when you stop asking:
What is wrong with me?
And start asking:
What did I learn about love that made this feel normal?
When you see self-abandonment as an adaptation rather than a flaw, something softens. Your body exhales. The grip of self-blame loosens.
This wasn’t about a lack of self-worth.
It was about believing love required self-erasure.
That belief was learned—and it can be unlearned.
What Self-Forgiveness Actually Looks Like
Forgiving yourself does not mean bypassing the pain or pretending it didn’t matter. It means repairing the relationship with yourself.
Self-forgiveness sounds like:
- I see why I stayed.
- I understand what I was protecting.
- I forgive myself for choosing connection before consciousness.
- I will not abandon myself again.
Trust with yourself is rebuilt through consistency, not perfection.
Each time you listen to your body.
Each time you honor discomfort instead of explaining it away.
Each time you choose yourself—even when it feels unfamiliar.
This is how you return.
You Are Not Late, You Are Awakening
If you are here now—seeing clearly, feeling deeply, questioning old patterns—you are not behind.
You are becoming conscious.
Awakening often arrives through heartbreak because heartbreak strips illusion. It dissolves the stories we used to survive and replaces them with truth. And truth, while painful at first, is deeply liberating.
You do not need to keep punishing yourself to remember the lesson.
The wisdom remains even when the shame leaves.
You are learning how to stay.
How to choose self-loyalty over self-betrayal.
How to love without disappearing.
Be gentle with the version of you who didn’t know.
She carried you to the moment where you finally do.
And now—you get to stay.
